How to look busy without ever really trying

Here ere some useful strategies that I have actually observed from somebody. Sad but true.

1. Sigh regularly or let out loud grunts and sounds of frustration due to work overload. Alternate this with sighs of relief to give the impression that you are accomplishing a lot of challenging work. Make sure you do this when everyone else is quiet to ensure maximum audibility. Try this trick also during meetings and group presentations for maximum audience coverage. The louder the better. Do this every 5 minutes.

2. When spacing out during discussions or presentations, learn to use the dead air technique. Every time the presenter pauses, use this short silence to talk. You can do one or more of the following, all of them if you are a fast talker:
i. Repeat words that the presenter just said. The more difficult the words the better. Do this with while nodding your head to give the impression that you understand exactly what was being discussed
ii. Rephrase sentences or phrases that you were able to remember, understanding them is not a requirement. As long as you have a proper sentence construction, this would work.
iii. Make emphatic sounds like grunts, “uh huh”, “hmmmm” (like in deep thought), “Tsk,tsk,tsk…” (if there was a debate during the discussion), “But what if…. (pause as if thinking)… ah, ok” (as if you have solved an impending problem about the item being discussed all on y our own)
iv. Remove your glasses (if you have one) and put them on again. Do this every minute as this gives the impression that you are deep in thought.

3. During presentations or every time an image or document is being projected on the wall, point to random images on the wall during the presentation. Just make sure that you are pointing to the image area only and only when the presenter is discussing.

4. Tell everyone you meet how busy you are. Do not go into details because you might get busted. Keep it high level and do pantomime of keyboard typing if necessary. Do also tem number 1 with this for full effect.

5. When being asked a question that you do not know the answer, do not answer right away. Cases are listed below:
i. If you are on a one on one discussion, you need to say or do something. If the question is a yes or no question, this is easy, but may also be a double sided sword. First, pause for fifteen seconds and pretend to be deep in thought. This delay will buy you time and will prompt the other person to expound or to further explain the question. Next, rephrase the question using the most words that you can think of related to the context as much as possible (this is assuming you understand the question). Use complex words and keywords that makes you sound technical and smart. If this is difficult for you, you may make use of your idiom stash – ex. Carrot technique, blue sky point of view, apple to apple, etc. Remember, any other word other that “I don’t know” is acceptable. If you blank out- just grunt.
ii. If this is during a group discussion or brainstorming, dodging questions that you do not know the answer to is easier. When asked a question, just pause and pantomime that you are deep in thought. Do this until a.) the person who asked the question gives clarifying and leading statements. If he does this, just vaguely agree to whatever he is saying. This is only safe if you see the others nodding or agreeing as well, b.) the other individuals in the room will get impatient in waiting for you to answer and they will answer for you. When they do this, rephrase their answer and make it sound more original by delivering it with more gusto, hand movements and examples.

6. When you come back from a vacation or a leave, make sure to tell everybody of the amount of work that you will be putting in to catch up because of the humongous amount of backlog that you have.

7. Learn to delegate. Everything. Just make sure that when mentioning it to the bosses or to peers (make sure you do not let the co-workers or the subordinates that you have passed on the workload do not hear you) that you use the word “I did this”, or “I thought of this”, if you are feeling like a team player, exchange WE for the word I.

8. Before responding to queries of the boss, get the comments from your co-workers or team. When you get all their answers, consolidate or choose a best answer and send to the boss, replacing their name with yours so that you will get the credit. Make sure that you do not CC your “sources”.

9. It is okay to answer a non-open ended question with a “yes and no”. This is a noncommittal answer that doesn’t blatantly say that you have no idea what they are talking about. Make sure that you do not explain. Oh, and put a smiley face for more effect. The smiley face will imply that you are expecting them not to ask anymore confusing questions.

10. Do not read your emails as the effort to understand them and think will only add to your already nebulous workload. When you need answer to anything just ask your subordinates. Better do this verbally so that they cannot use outlook to symbolize your “inability to comprehend”.

11. Limit and control the email that you forward to your team. In doing so, you can control what they know and leave all the information to yourself. Worry later on what you are going to do with the information. Remember, the more information all to yourself, the better. So that when your teammates ask, YOU can give them answers for a change. This will give you a sense of power and superiority and add buoyancy to your already overinflated sense of self (ego?)(It doesn’t really matter if your answers are right or wrong, they have no idea about what your talking anyway.

12. When you see a bunch of people huddled together discussing, immediately squeeze in to the clump of people and do number 1 or 2, sometimes even 3. Heck, even try doing 5 if you are feeling good.

13. When you hear a phrase or even a word for that matter, about a topic that you actually know something about, talk you ass of and milk it. Milk it, baby.

14. When spacing out and doing absolutely nothing (i.e. staring at your laptop screen to pass the time) make sure that you move your mouse at least once every 30 seconds.

15. Organize meetings and trainings apart from the scheduled employee trainings. Attend all trainings as much as you can. This helps bide the time. It is not important four you to take into consideration your co-workers’ workload or schedule because they are unimportant.

16. Read every other line of your email out loud so that everybody can hear. Do this only for work related emails.

17. Reply to every email with “thanks”, this will ensure that your co-workers know that you are actively using outlook. Remember, there are some companies who uninstall software due to lack of usage.

18. In between bouts of spacing out, do follow ups on your co-workers. It doesn’t matter if you are CC’d in all their correspondences. It is your self imposed responsibility to make sure that they are doing your job for you.

19. Arrive early before everyone else (to have more time for internet browsing) and leave only after the boss leaves.

20. In attending meetings and brainstorming sessions, DO NOT GO ALONE. Always make sure you have somebody a co-worker with you h=who you can expect to pay attention to the discussion. Afterwards, you can just your co-worker to explain the issues and resolution to you. When they do so, reply by saying “Yeah, yeah…” as if you already know what they are talking about.

21. During discussions, do not hesitate to veer out of topic. Remember, you are still being paid by the hour and the company assumes that all your inputs are relevant.